Funny I am back to this space. I try so hard to seek new places to hide. But I am always tracked down and social ettiques taught me to stop hiding. Even so, I am still fighting for a tiny outlet to breathe.

I cried when the truth was before my eyes, literally. It was crystal clear I couldn't hide. I stared at it and it stared back at me. I willed it to go away, to be anything but what I think it is, even though it was nothing but what it is. Those tears caught me by surprise, just a little. After all, I learnt about it before I saw the "supporting evidence". It was like a delayed response. No matter how upset I was, I wasn't able to reveal my feelings first hand, so I guess this accumulation of feelings erupted eventually.

I always thought I have already mastered the highest level of indifference and that there is no longer anything that can make me sad. Well, there are always surprises in life. And, I think I have gone up one more level! Because there is no more sadness in me. Maybe just a twinge of regret, a wisp of disappointment, a pinch of anger, and maybe stupidly, a glimpse of hope. But all in all, it is like a lesson for me. Different rules govern different individuals, when others did something that falls outside our expectation circle, there is no one to blame. We can't play the same game with 2 different set of rules, so we must compromise. For me, I don't mind changing my rules all the time. If that is the only way to continue the game and I know I want to keep playing.

So I am gonna bend my rules. I don't care what others think about me and I wish people who judge others will just keep comments to themselves. It is sad that when I am saying this a face pop up in my mind, but I can't help it!

Can an indifferent person be stupid?

'Cause that is what I think I am.

help! my face is rotting! i feel so upset by the breakouts. why did i change my moisturiser? =(

Because of some third-party words, I started to doubt. Smart as I claimed to be, falling into the trap of what you are most afraid of seems to take place even before realisation sets in. Don't say untruthful things like "I want to thank people who critized me". Maybe it is true that you are a better person you are today but it is because you yourself learnt from the criticisms, nothing to do with these people.

What does it take to believe in someone whole-heartedly? To take his/her words as they are, without reading in between the lines, without guessing for even a second whether that was a lie or not. And how do you continue to believe when there are people out there who say things that indirectly question your beliefs? If the mental act of choosing to believe in your someone instead of others has flashed across your mind, you have already doubted your someone.

And I am guilty of that. Only I know about it, but whenever I am pleased, I will remember some other words, and I will remind myself not to delve into deep waters.

My most recent love- theimpulsivebuys.

Riding on the GE 2011 wave, feel like writing on my thoughts about it too.

Firstly, I am not interested in politics at all. I just want to lead my normal simple life, I don't care much about who wins and I have no strong stand or views regarding either party. Because, at the end of the day, no matter who wins, I am still going to lead the life I am leading right now, moving towards the goals I wish to achieve. So even if the flats are getting soooo expensive, does that mean I am not going to buy a flat in future? I just feel that, whatever the outcome is, my life is just going to go on as how I have anticipated it. If HDB flats are more expensive, I am just going to work harder and spend lesser. If HDB flats are cheaper, then I can spend on other things. No matter what happens, I will still lead the life I want to lead. I think I am just a selfish person, I only care about myself. But I guess it is fine I am not running for the GE anyway, I don't have to pretend that I care when I may not really.

Secondly, I think Singaporeans are just very cynical. Love to complain and never contented. Maybe I am like that too. I just feel that even if there are mistakes or shortcomings of the current members, how can one simply overlook the efforts put into other aspects? It is not easy to please everyone. But of course I still feel indignant when I hear things like the volunteers at YOG being given lunchboxes that contain only rice and a pathetic slice of luncheon meat (please Singaporeans are not dogs) while the foreign participants are fed with high-end buffet. There are so many people with different needs and views in Singapore, how do you exactly please everyone, when there is only one policy to fix the problem?

Thirdly, the talks by the different parties at the rallies are very impactful I must say. People seemed to be sold, esp to the non-lightning parties. Since what they love to do is to scold the lightning team and then say things that us commoners like to hear. Common problems like inflation, salary, housing. I am not sure if I am the naive one, but I do feel that some people are naive. These are just scripted talks. These are just things that they know we like to hear, so we can cast out vote to them. And some people are just natural speakers, with the charisma and persuasion power. Do you really know if they are capable? They have no experience as MPs, it could be just empty talk isn't it.

Fourthly, I admit I am confused. Because I do not have background knowledge on many things, I don't have a strong stand. I am easily convinced by anything I read. Tell me hammer team will help us and I will believe. Tell me lightning team has done a good job and I will reconsider my previous stand. So now what.

It is stupid to comment on anything on the surface level because you can never know what has happened before that. Take the maid carrying ns man bag photo for example (can't think of better examples really I am brain-dead), do you know what really happened? For all you know, the guy's parents could have died in an accident recently and he was just feeling down, feeling down ok, want to have some burden off his shoulder, yes literal burden. FUCK! I am so angry now. So if you don't understand anything, don't say unnecessary things. Don't make a big hoo-ha over a photo, don't make it into a national news that will only goes to show how ignorant we are, how "gracious" our society is. I know it is old news, yet I am feeling this anger all of a sudden, right now in my freaking hot room. How can just a mere photo with no dialogue, no nothing, make it into the national news??!! Nothing better to do or what...........................

And what makes me trying to defend this little photo's male lead is because I just made a FB wall post saying that it is plain brainless to mix dark and light colors tgt in the wash. And no I am not referring to my maid (I don't have one anyway). I am probably 1000x worse because I am referring to my dad. (I am such an angry bird now.) So on the surface level, I could be attacked by any random dumb person that I am unfilial, that I am not grateful to my dad for helping me with the laundry, that an educated individual is doing this kind of thing. Well, so what does this person know? Does he know that the night before, I told my dad that the sweater is white, so we can't mix white with any colors. It is frustrating and infuriating isn't it??? That he asked and you told him and yet he ignored you, and mistook your words as a passing breeze. WHAT?@#@?#

I really cannot understand.. Cannot understand ... cannot understand...

NO SMART ALECS ALLOWED IN THIS WORLD OK!

And I really don't wish to be in a cold war with my dad, because it is no fun. Yet I don't wish that he thinks I am taking this matter lightly, for this is the 2nd time he attempted to mix white with black, and even defended himself asking me why the black garment has gone under the wash for a few times yet the color runs. See, when you are not sure, ask! Don't assume! People just love to assume. Not everything is reversible, perhaps you should only assume when your mistake can be corrected on its own, without external help such as me going to the supermarket to source for some color-run-help-washing-powder which is not going to be cheap and which it is not 100% guarantee to work.

Ease my troubles please.

因为我想发疯
因为我想同中求异
因为我想改变
改变一切现有

Humans are strange creatures. Whatever we do, it is just to make ourselves feel better, but of course it is just a matter of phrasing, of how you want yourself to be portrayed in others' eyes. Why do we donate to charity? Because we want to help others, because we feel bad if we do not do so since we are have the capability. So at the end of the day, it is just about ourselves, it is because we want to feel free of guilty conscience.

So why do I stayed till 8pm today even though my work ends 6pm, even though I hate to stay back. Firstly because I wish to ease my teammate's burden so they do not have to stay too late. And secondly, of course, it is the same reason again. Feeling bad. Feeling bad that we are a team but I am leaving early, and surely, I left earliest again. 8pm is early?!#@ Tsk.

No matter what I do, I will just keep feeling bad at the place. And I really hope to leave asap before..... I dont know. Before I have to take responsibilities for anything. It is hard to admit that you hate responsibilities but it feels great to know of someone who feels the same.

I feel so much like having some normal popcorn and watching spirited away.

Why is it that relationships are not just between 2 people? Why is it that there are insensitive people around who sabotages easily just with one sentence? So how do we ignore these people and carry on, and pretend nothing happened? Because we can and we should! I don't even know why I am feeling bad when I have done nothing wrong. Why can't I do what I like since life is so short! Because we are not living alone~! Because there are others whom we need to care for their feelings! How did it end up being my bad again.


I am feeling a bit bothered. Because I don't know why I can't talk to the people that I wish to talk to. I have this sudden feeling that I may lose a good friend because of what others have said. In retrospect, I think i was being very ridiculous. How can I not hold on to this friendship just because I am afraid of how others are looking at me. It is selfish, incorrigible vegetable.

Today is Day 4 of my 5-week slimming plan to reduce 2kg.

I just ate one thin piece of duck meat and maybe one strand of kway teow. omg I feel so stifled.

After dinner my mouth was feeling so itchy. So i ate my apple and then yakult. And I still felt like eating. I dont know why I always feel like eating junk food after a proper meal, probably it is a bad habit I should kick. Then I went to tell Papa and Mummy and I ask them to hit me and stop me. Which they didn't of course. And in the end I didn't eat. Ok. It is only Day 4 and I am gg-ing.

Maybe it will get better and better.

I hope so!

Yesterday I saw Elvin Ng at Nex! He looks exactly the same as how he looks like on tv- handsome! Although my friend doesn't seem to be agreeing on this part. Didn't had the courage to take part in the games, only gazed at him some metres away below the stage. He is always smiling, no matter what PeiFen says. or what his fans from Elvinology were shouting out to him. His smile is so huge that it makes me feel that he is really happy and pleased and contented. I love him this way. It is a kind of earnest and child-like smile. Sometimes I will wonder if I will have the chance to know him in person, since we are all Singaporeans, he doesn't seem that far away. And I kind of don't wish to know him as a fan, but as a friend. =p

今天午餐后和同事在喝饮料聊天。
我和同事说我要Ｔｅｈ　Ｃ　Ｋｏｓｏｎｇ　但可能我说话太轻声细语了（我常常得向别人重复我想说的话！），他帮我点了加糖的　Ｔｅｈ　Ｃ。
所以我便告诉他。然后他显得很抱歉，我便说没关系，下班后我走路回家就行了。
他们以为我是想省车费，但事实上是卡路里的问题！
男生和女生思考的角度真的很不一样。女生怕胖，总是把它挂在心中；男生似乎比较重视金钱地位。
这样也好。因为金钱的事就让男生烦恼吧，女生花它就够了！

Why do I lose control of myself during weekends?

Nothing goes the way I want it to be.

I think i was really selfish this morning. I went to tell mama that im feeling vexed because of our home and because of my job. She is already so old and I had to make her worried. What the hell was I thinking.

What should I do with my life?

I think I will get an iPad.. i think i need a tablet.

台湾的一名国小老师称赞数年前教过的一名学生：

他表现得很好
（他）有这个爱清洁 有礼貌 守秩序
然后 孝顺 服务热心

优秀的同学可被当选为立人天使 （立人为国小名称）

虽然本地小学也有教育孩子这些品德但不会有一个老师是会拿它来称赞学生的吧。对于老师们而言，成绩总是优先。成绩不好的同学就被归类为坏学生？就不能有成绩差的好学生？

1. I am on the search for the perfect shoe. Saw this shoe at Mitju some time ago. Dint get it because I bought a new shoe not too long ago then. And now it seems to be oos and so one day when I saw this girl in the train wearing it, I felt very envious. Tsk tsk tsk. WHY didn't I buy it then.

2. Suddenly I am very scared of someone. Maybe all along I am scared. Isn't it funny how some things doesn't seem the way it is? Though it looks certainly so, but the fact is, one party is feeling uneasy most of the time?

3. Seems like in life, we don't really have a choice sometimes. To be good to yourself, have to play the bad man.

4. Kind of wonderful to have forgetful friends isnt it. 1. Saying different things at different times will not get discovered and the beautifully fabricated white lie will not be seen through. 2. the same conversation can be repeated over and over again.

5. I do see the good side of people, just that when i discovered the bad side, i will ask myself: why am i suffering in silence?

一时之间无法反应

惊讶的事情过了之后，似乎变了一种形态

先是讶异得语无伦次，头脑无法以逻辑思考。再来便无论做什么事都会想起。

原来你心里想像的，可以和现实差那么多。

当一切停留在数年前，事情多么美好。

虽然看清了真相，时间却让我整理好思绪，去面对去接受。

来日方长！